I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Randomize
