I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
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