seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Randomize
