My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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