I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
