i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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