shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize