I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
