I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
