Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Pants 0. Shit 1.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
