I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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