i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
