Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize