I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize