I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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