he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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