im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
