can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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