WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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