I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
