I just pynch a tree in the face
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
