My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Don't make out with my wife yet
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Randomize
