why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize