My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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