a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
cat food counts as protein by the way
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
