When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
