I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
