we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
