upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
