do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
