Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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