The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
