He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize