Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
