we have pet lesbian snakes
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
