I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
