I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
