I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
