My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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