i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
