I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
