I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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