i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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