I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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