Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
