it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
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