I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
