i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
