life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
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