So its not gay if you have sex with another woman and its academic
so what if I'm having sex with a woman for recreation?
Thats gay
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
