Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
