You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
