I heard we made out
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
