He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
