I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
